These last couple of weeks have been very difficult emotionally for me. I love being happy! But I have been on the struggle bus with trying to feel happiness but it being difficult to feel. I do have good moments of peace and joy but I would like to feel those good feelings more. I know that I have found myself saying that I love trials, but what I really mean is I love to look back and see what I have learned from them. I love how I grow closer to my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. I love how close I feel to them at times, but I really struggle when the pain is so great that all I can do is cry and hope that the tears will bring healing. I also love the miracles and blessings that can come in the midst of such great sorrow.
This weekend was General Conference, it was amazing! A few days before, by a miracle, I was able to get tickets last minute to the Saturday Afternoon session where I got to hear Elder Anderson speak in person! And sit next to a newly called Area Authority and his sweet wife. Being in the conference center at the same time with my best friend Kristen and her family are memories I will cherish forever.
It's really annoying when you know that the Lord is aware of you and you can count all the amazing blessings that you have been given, and in your head, you know you should be feeling so amazing! But then matters of the heart happen and all logical feelings go out the door. And I find myself grasping at straws trying to find peace, comfort and praying for the pain to go away. I wanted to be in a really good head space for conference and be prepared to listen to the talks and just really appreciate my time in the beautiful conference center surrounded by those who are just trying to get through this life the best they can also with faith and trust in our Savior and His plans for each of us. So I decided to watch Prince of Egypt, mainly because I wanted to hear the miracles song..."There can be miracles, if you believe" I wanted to feel that and not forget that! But what I got out of the movie was an even greater miracle than what I had planned.
I had been thinking about Hope and blessings that come from hope and faith. In the movie, and the bible lol, Moses worked so hard to free his people from bondage. I am sure that when he finally was able to move forward with their escape it felt so amazing and so hopeful and just the biggest relief ever!! They had been waiting for this for a very long time! Some even their entire lives! They got down to the water and noticed that the soldiers were coming for them. This must have been devastating! After they thought that they were finally going to be released and they were finally going to get the blessing that they always wanted only to find out that, just kidding, they weren't going to get that blessing anymore and they were going to have to possibly go back into bondage. I can't imagine the fear that they must have felt after feeling such great hope! But then...the Lord helped Moses part the Sea!!
It reminded me of times in my life where I thought that I was finally going to get the blessing that I have been waiting for my entire life! I felt hope and love and just like the Hebrews, I imagine that they finally felt hope and peace as they were getting what they have wanted by getting released from being slaves.
But then the soldiers started to come, things don't turn out like we thought they would. People go back on their word; some realize they want to go down another path than the one you want to go down. Insert any hardship that once brought you so much hope, love and joy and now all of the sudden it is being taken away and there isn't anything that you can do about it. You had worked so hard to receive this gift and now all you can see is a huge sea in front of you and you have no idea how you are going to get across it. It feels impossible and discouraging.
But then the Lord's promises start to come true, and the Lord parts the sea once again reminding us that He is in charge and that he will bless us if we continue to have faith and hope in Him. He can and will do the impossible!!
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